As I reflect on the Book of Numbers and prepare to read Deuteronomy, I know that there is so much that I missed in Numbers. Moses’ insecurity stumped me. At some point, however, Moses lost his passion to fight for God’s promises.

The bible says that Moses was a humble man. The more the people challenged him in the desert, the more he did what would please the people rather than God. Moses became swayed by the emotions and feelings of people even to the point of wanting to kill himself. This would not have been so bad if he weren’t leading the Israelites who were determined to attack him and his abilities at the first sign of any problem.

Moses was trying to do something monumental for his people by lifting them out of their slavery in Egypt. Nonetheless, both the Egyptians and the Israelites hated him for it. Can you blame him for wanting to keep someone helpful around like Hobab?

In his fear and insecurity, however, Moses began to make decisions based upon the thoughts and opinions of people rather than his knowledge of God. By making decisions by the thoughts and the angry, impatient outbursts of the Israelites, Moses became ineffective. He became weary of his mission and sensitive to the people around him.

We often discuss the sin of pride. Indeed, Proverbs 16:18 reads: “First pride, then the crash — the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.” But rarely do we discuss the sin of insecurity. Insecurity is defined as “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.” Nonetheless, whenever the people fought against him, Moses weakened. From Exodus to Numbers, Moses asked God to take his life more than once. His insecurity was overtaking his faith.

I did a Google search to see if insecurity could be the cause of Moses’ desire to die and I found an article titled, “The Intricate Ties between Depression & Insecurity.” The author writes:

Looking back, the hardest times in my life have occurred when I’ve felt insecure about my abilities, relationships, personality, or self-worth. During these dark days, I inevitably found myself in embarrassing situations where I became insecurely attached to someone – or something – that I thought would make me whole. Of course (and I know I am not alone in this), I learned the hard way that no person or thing can make me whole but myself.

Luckily, these difficult experiences were temporary, but not without emotional scars. Feeling insecure in a relationship creates anxiety over being abandoned and the feeling that every day is uncertain. It’s no wonder that those times when I felt insecurely attached were also accompanied by intense sadness.

Wow, doesn’t this sound exactly like what Moses went through in Numbers 10-11? He forgot about the Red Sea, the commandments, the manna, all of the miracles that God performed in Egypt to set the Israelites free. I can relate to Moses because I’ve been there, stuck in insecurity and bondage to people and things that cannot save me. Moses needed to prioritize building up himself through talking to God and exercising his faith.

Being insecure happens to everyone at some point in our lives but staying insecure when you have a personal relationship with God is a sin.